Do you think my short story is ok? It is rather long so sorry... :}?

It was good, at general! Good writing =) Just a few things that I would point out to you. Maybe try shortening some of your sentences. Add a few more punctuations here and there. It also got sloppy at certain points, so maybe brush up on them. Finally, also paragraph your story more. This would make it easier to read (one main point per paragraph). Good job otherwise!